What does this MEEEEAN?

This started off slow for me, and then there was one moment when I lost it. Now I can't get enough. I may be the last person on the internet to see it, but if you haven't yet, it's only 3 minutes of your life. Double rainbow, all the way.

My Wife is Pretty Funny...in Four Parts

Part I

So I'm all jazzed up about my new iPhone, and came across this app called Errands or something like that. It's pretty self-explanatory, and so I emailed my Target shopping list to Michelle. She replies with "Fancy." Pretty sure she's being sarcastic.

Then when I get home, I hand my phone to her, and she proceeds to type out her own errand for me to do. It's titled, "Make Michelle Happy," and it goes like this:

Coffee
She can quit her job
Stay home with Murray
Spend lots of money on whatever she wants
Buy her a Range Rover
Hardwood floors
Re-do kitchen
Take her to Hawaii

Priority: Urgent

Part II

She then knocks over the ironing board in the office, which I left open, and then when I try to close it up, and it won't close.

Joe: You broke the ironing board! (angrily)

Michelle: Oh good, you can add it to your list! (cheerfully)

Part III

I'm sitting in traffic at a light, and this blond lady wielding a Blackberry comes flying out of a parking lot, and wedges herself right in front of us, wanting to pull out before we can move. I'm more of a timid driver than Michelle is. When I'm in the passenger seat, I sometimes resemble this guy.


Ok, I'm being dramatic. Michelle is actually one of the best drivers I know. But she's a bit more aggressive than I am. Well when she sees Blondie, she comes out with something like this:

"I would not have let her in if I were driving. If she doesn't move quick enough to my liking, I want you to beep at her."

Part IV

We're driving through the Stop & Shop parking lot, when I spot a juiced up tan man in a wife beater and tattoos all over his arms. He may or may not have had a blowout. Upon seeing this, Michelle says:

"I really wish I knew how to whistle."

Poor Family Health History, and Looking Toward the Future

I have been blessed with a high metabolism. I was always a chubby little kid, since I loved my meatballs and cheetos and pasta and bread and anything salty. It wasn't until I was in 7th grade that I hit a "growth spurt" where I finally thinned out a bit. I put that in quotation marks, because I only made it to 5'6" and a half.

This high metabolism, however, has also served as a curse. I say it's a curse because at my last doctor's office visit, when I learned that I was only 5'6" and a half and not 5'7", I also learned that I had a very high cholesterol level and an absurd level of triglycerides. At my last visit, my triglycerides were at 373. Should be under 200. So there are two reasons behind this, as far as I can see. The first is my family history. There is not much I can do about this. My dad and I can compare horror stories of foods that cause wicked heartburn, and his triglycerides I think once crossed 900. His doctor couldn't figure out how he was sitting there talking.

The second reason my blood lipids were so bad is that I don't make the best choices when it comes to food. Now I don't go to McDonald's very often, perhaps 4 or 5 times a year. (Filet O' Fish during Lent...sing the commerical to yourself now, I love it.) Every night I eat at least one vegetable. My dinners are always pretty healthy. But I have other problems. I don't eat breakfast on a regular basis. I know this is bad for me, I just can't help it. Sometimes I'm just not hungry at work, and by the time I know it, it's 11:00 AM so I just wait until lunch before I eat again. Then when lunch hits, I scarf down a meatball sub, covered with two pieces of provolone cheese, on a giant sub roll. When I eat pizza, I'll throw down 4 slices. Pie? I can't stop at one piece.

Here is where the curse comes in. It's great that I stay relatively thin (I have a small gut, yes, and was in much better shape in high school), but my insides must be rotting away. It's amazing how I can say, well my outsides look ok, but completely neglect my insides. I've been justifying my inaction by saying it's not my fault, and I'll be on Lipitor before I know it, anyway.

My doctor told me to take fish oil pills everyday, and start exercising. I took the pills for a while, and then sort of fell off the wagon. Not intentionally, I just forget, and get lazy about remembering. I need to start exercising. Even the busiest people in the world exercise. The President of our country exercises, and he has way more important crises going on than I do. I need to stop sitting on my ass, and do it. This may be a futile attempt that fizzles out like other resolutions I've made, but I hope not. It doesn't take a lot of effort to exercise on a regalar basis, and this is what I need to keep in mind.

I just picked up "The Last Lecture" by Randy Pausch, and only read through the Intoduction and first chapter, and it has already inspired me. This professor was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, and was looking at a few months to live, leaving behind a wife and three children under 6. I don't yet have any children, but they are definitely in my future. This poor guy probably didn't do anything to get cancer, but my potential health problems are fixable and potentially avoidable. I want to be more aware. I don't want to be in my 40s, looking at a life or death situation, wishing I did something more about it when I had a chance.

Here's a problem I have. Some people will smoke cigarettes and say, well something will probably give me cancer down the road anyway, so I might as well enjoy myself now. This is what I'm doing. Sure, give me another piece of bread and butter, I can't help my family health history, so who cares? Well if I can do everything I can to try to prevent bad things from happening to me and potentially leaving behind my wife and a young family, what am I waiting for?

Yes, I am posting from my iPhone. What up.

Testing the Waters with Some Bad TV

Getting back into it...

I've recommended TV shows in the past. The following is not necessarily a recommendation, but more of a list of shows I should be embarrassed about watching.

"Stop emasculating me!"

If you don't watch the Bachelorette, then you probably missed the most uncomfortable relationship fight in TV history. Jake the Pilot, I'm sure he has a last name but I don't care enough to look it up, is nuts. He was trying to make himself look like the good guy, and he failed. I was rooting for him to keep talking, because every time he did, it got worse. And either his ex-girlfriend is a great actress, or she was genuinely upset, because I really felt for her. That, and I love Chris Harrison (the host...I know his name). The people on this show make his job easy, but I still think he's great. "Ali, gentlemen, your final rose tonight." Regarding the actual season currently going on...Go Chris L.

I also am sucked into Secret Life of an American Teenager. I don't know how it happened, but before I knew it, I knew every plot line and character on the show. Now I'm into it.

I also wish I could go back in time and join glee club in high school. Or at least find a school with a glee club with some nasty singers. But when we're watching Glee and the commercials come on, I scream at Michelle to fast forward the DVR. At which point she whips the clicker at or near my skull. She doesn't take any crap, to put it lightly.

MTV now has an HD channel where I live, and Jersey Shore is back soon. But I'm afraid it will be TOO fake. The first season was so funny because these were regular people living how they do (I think) but I'm afraid the expectations are too high for them to be "real." I hope it doesn't turn into the Hills where it basically becomes a scripted reality show. Although the Hills never did it for me anyway. We'll see. I will watch Jersey Shore either way.

I also watch good television, but this post was dedicated to junk.

I also recently got an iPhone for the first time, and I don't want to keep posting, I want to go play with my phone. I thought I was cool with a qwerty keyboard so I could text fast. Wow, was I missing out...